Baby, Interrupted

This has been quite an emotional day. For starters, we find out tomorrow if we are having a boy or a girl. No, I don't want to wait until the baby is born because I don't want to and I don't have to so there. Tonight is the last night I will spend on this earth not knowing whether or not I will be a mom to two boys or a boy or a girl. Tonight is the last night my new baby remains nameless. Tonight is the last night I will call "it" "it".

I'm excited and nervous as can be expected. Excited because I can't wait to get a look at the bean. I haven't seen "it" in 9 weeks and I really am dying to know if "it" is a boy or a girl. If things go as planned, this will be the last night I ever spend dying to know if I'm having a boy or a girl. Did I mention that Lloyd and I are planning to stop at two? We are. So this make this last night that much more special.

I'm nervous because, well, I work at a children's hospital and I see the outcomes of births that are not the stuff Hallmark cards are made out of. Plus, I had the hemorrhage earlier in this pregnancy and I wonder if it is still there. Are there any ramifications to be seen from it? Sort of glad this is the last night I will spend worrying about this. Ahhh, who am I kidding? I could have a perfect ultrasound and I would still worry about this.

I'm not going to dwell on the nervous stuff... back to the excited stuff! Is it a boy or a girl? I'll be sending the slideshow out tomorrow!!! Damn... I've been crying my eyes out making the thing so I hope you all enjoy our special way of announcing the gender.

Something that makes this that much more emotional is the fact that I'm only having this last night... this January 31, 2005..... because I lost my last pregnancy. That baby.... that "it"... was due January 29th. Knowing that I'm sitting here, feeling this "it" move, working on a slideshow, typing this entry, experiencing this night of many lasts, dying with excitement and feeling rather nervous (oops... wasn't going to talk about the nerves) only because I lost my second baby is a rather indescribable feeling. Heck, the majority of the world would argue with me that I even lost a baby. They would call "it" an "it" and mean "it" in a bad way... not in the way a mother who doesn't know if her baby is a boy or a girl means "it". I know I lost a baby so suck it world.

It is difficult to grieve someone you never met. Not that it is difficult to grieve but it is a confusing grief. Honestly, I was asked so many times how I was holding up after the miscarriage and I just answered "I don't know". I still don't know. I didn't lose memories or moments or late night snuggles and endless readings of Dr. Suess books. I lost the potential for all those things. But see, as I sit here now feeling "it" move and dreaming of my life with my new baby in my arms, I didn't lose the potential, I just gained new potential. The potential I have with this "it". So, while it's sad. It's not, really. But it is. This is what I meant about being confusing.

So, while Lloyd and I are planning on only having two children, I know I'm the mom to the three.