Halfway there

I swore over on the this thread that I was done. That was it. I quit. I was starting the No Cry Sleep Solution. No more colseeping. No more night-long nursing. No more using my chest as a scratching post and my boob as a teether. No more sleeping on my side night after night after freakin’ night. I’m happy to post that I’m halfway there. No, she’s not sleeping through the night and yes, she is still in our bed BUT there has been no crying. Unfortunately, there hasn’t been any sleeping, either. We have the “no cry” down. Now we just need the sleep solution.

Speaking of sleep, has anyone ever had recurring dreams? I haven’t dreamed that much in the past year but when I do, it is almost always the same dream. Well, not exactly the same dream but the same dream premise; variations on a common dream. The dreams are the same in that in every one, Lloyd comes to me and tells me our relationship is over. He has no feelings for me and that is the end of that. It is not even up for discussion. It is like his feelings for me have been turned off like a faucet and there is nothing I can say or do. The dreams vary with regard to the status of our relationship. Sometimes we are married with kids and I’m trying to rationalize winning him back and how am I going to handle being a single parent. When we have kids I’m usually contemplating how to make sure he gets no visitation with them. Nice, right? Sometimes we have only been out on a few dates and I’m searching frantically for his cell phone number because I have strong emotions for him and I’m trying to figure out who I can date if it isn’t him. Cell phones and missed telephone calls are common in the “we’re dating” dreams. Other times he ends it with me but I run into him at clubs or we still have travel plans together and he is totally over me but I use these events to dredge up old issues.

In my ever dream I am trying to understand and rationalize the emotionally devastating loss of his love- or even like- for me. My reactions to his change of heart is sometimes anger and other times intense grief but the constant is my attempt to rationalize how this could happen and where to go from there without dealing with the current situation. Usually I’m pleading with him to stay or explain what has changed while thinking proactively about what my next step will be to move forward without him. I never confront the actual issue and I never let him know I’m thinking of the next step while wanting him back. In my attempt to not confront the actual issue- the fact he doesn’t love me anymore- or allow myself to feel the hurt deeply, I create more emotional issues by trying to understand and rationalize and finally, trying to figure out how to move on.
The emotions are difficult to put into words (especially considering the lack of sleep) but they’re always the same and I wake up even more tired than before I had slept and still feeling the emotions I felt in my dream. It is so odd to dream such a myriad of conflicting emotions all at the same time.

I don’t know why I have these dreams and I don’t know what they mean. Lloyd wonders if I am insecure but honestly, I couldn’t feel more secure in our relationship. Maybe somewhere deep down I am but outside of LaLa Land, I can’t seem to tap into it and I’m certainly not going to try. Perhaps recurring dreams are a result of the slow torture brought about by 8 months of sleep deprivation. I’m getting used to the dreams, though. I’m used to waking with a racing, achy heart and sometimes when I go while without the dreams, I start to miss them. I suppose much like sleep deprivation, pain can become comfortable over time.