Day 12: What Not To ExpectPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting

When you get that notion, put your backfield in motion

Officially a Mom

Putting that Backfield in Motion since 2003

Monday, May 14, 2007

And here I thought Goose pooping in the potty was my Mother's Day miracle

A letter I received via FlickrMail:

Amanda, I feel so strange writing this e mail, but I finally got a minute to send you this and I feel compelled by your last photo. My name is *****, I live in ******** **, but I was in MN when I discovered you. I found your blog one night while I googled "SSRI's" and "breastmilk". You had made a comment that Goose likes her breastmilk spiked with ssri's on another persons blog and, well the rest is history. I followed your blog and then over to flickr 365 because I, like you, am a mommy of two little people and feel crazy love for my kids and then just plain crazy at times. Nicholas is 3 and Elliott just turned one and it has been less than easy for me. (Obviously, check the ssri reference) I have looked to your blog and flickr photos when I felt like motherhood was going to drown me and no one would jump in to save me. I have a great partner who is a great daddy, like your hubby, and from the outside I am sure that I look like I have the perfect life, but this chaos inside that I a facing is scarier than anything I have ever done. I read your "homeostasis" entry and burst into tears.
I just wanted you to know that you are so brave. Brave for putting a piece of you out into the world. Brave for having babies and raising them the way you do. Brave for going to work everyday and helping people. I don't even know you but I have to say as another mommy, I am so proud of what you have given to other people with your photos and words.
Homeostasis can be an elusive state to achieve and with all of the chaos we deal with everyday, it's amazing that anyone ever really settles down and has time to just "be", let alone "just be happy". I trust your judgement to leave the pressure of performance that 365 must be, please know however that you touched many peoples lives, but speaking for me, you touched mine. Sometimes we forget that it is not only the large, loud, spectacles of heroism that make changes, but the small, selfless, brave acts of integrity that are heroic as well.
Your kindness, slightly self-depricating humor, unabashed love for your kids and your penchant for quoting song lyrics made my days brighter, and I wanted you to know. I have a song that makes me feel better when my chaos takes over and perhaps it would make you smile as well, if not at least to know there are other people out there who have been unsettled and overwhelmed. It's "grey" by Ani DiFranco.
I hope that you "find your paradise", thanks you for making me smile, *****
ps. Oh, and thanks for recommending the "fridge DJ", we totally rock out to Annie-Ooh on a daily basis. Leapfrog is a much better teacher then I will ever be. :)

It made me cry. The good kind of cry, though.

365 days was a crazy, crazy experience. I really hated quitting not just because I HATE quitting but also because it is so, so amazing when people like ***** see my pictures and "get" me.

It's nice to be gotten.

Since becoming a mom, I don't feel "gotten" very often.

I haven't addressed it here but I'm sure many of you know that I left 365 days on day 153 because it was causing a lot of heartache at home. It took up a good chunk of time and I was sharing more of "me" with people online that I was at home or in real life. You can only imagine the kinds of problems that can cause.

It's nice that some good came out if it.

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Anonymous Lindsay said...

Hi Amanda... wow, I have thought about leaving you a comment for so long, but kind of felt like a stalker. I too also found you in a search for Zoloft & breastfeeding... and now, almost 1 year later, my favorite thing when I first get to my office is to look at your blog, pictures and your amazing family.

I really love your blog today, how funny that some women procreate with men that 'surprise' made a shitty father and those of us who married the 'good' ones, are supposed to give our husbands a ribbon for just doing their jobs as a father, hahaha...

Anywase, I love your blog and look forward to reading...

A psycho fan (hehe)

PS... my 11 mo. old is also Grace, but we call her the Peanut... =)

11:18 AM  
Anonymous Ally said...

I didn't know you quit! I quit after a month because it was driving me crazy, and not in a good way. Too much time being spent on the computer and not enough time living my life.

I hope things are better at home now that you've quit. I'm sorry they got bad. (Hugs.)

12:01 PM  
Anonymous Kara said...

I didn't know you quit either. It was very hard for me to quit too..and I think about rejoining all the time...but don't because it took a HUGE chuck of my life everyday. 148 days was all I could invest.

It's amazing to me how many people I read about and care about that I never, ever met and probably never will. I don't think I would be the mom I am without all my online buddies. What a sweet letter that someone had the courage to write.

3:08 PM  
Blogger K said...

Hey, Amanda -- hope you are taking it easy on yourself. It is tough to balance regular old life: self, kiddos, hubby, work, hobbies. Add to it a whole other virtual life and crazy doesn't begin to cover it. I enjoy your flikr photos and admire your creativity. Wishing you peace and balance, trusting if you find either you will blog about it so we can all follow!

6:23 PM  
Blogger karrie said...

What a moving message.

You were definitely a rock star of 365. :) I'm sorry it caused problems at home, and I hope you'll keep taking--and sharing--great pictures when you're able to do so. gauchos, please.

6:52 AM  
Blogger Fidget said...

how fortuitous that I should stumble here today. I too have been turning over the idea of Zoloft while breast feeding. I have been fending off the darker days but I'm not sure how long I will manage. I cant let myself sink so fully as I did with my 1st and I am not seeing the sunshine like I did after my 2nd.

9:56 AM  
Blogger Mamma said...

Here via Plain Jane Mom. After a letter like that I think I must come back and visit often.

You must be amazing for being able to affect someone's life like that. How nice to be told.

10:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, Like the first woman posted, I too have thought about posting a comment for a while... Your flickr site and this blog, has made my own journey into motherhood, of my 6.5month old girl feel "normal" in, you don't just one day have your baby, and stop being yourself....Your life reminds me so much of my own, we're the same age, we both used to rock big bangs, and well, for many reasons I say that... You have without a doubt helped more women out there than you can imagine.

8:23 PM  

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