Finding Amanda

Enough of Gavin's new found verbosity that is wonderful and horrible all at the same time. I love that his expressive speech is improving by the minute but I hate that he can either tell me that:

a. I'm not the favorite parent

or

b. Come home from work now you slacker parent, you. No wonder you're not my favorite parent you working mom sack of doo doo.

Well, maybe he didn't use those exact words ("play daddy, want daddy, and mama home" to be more exact) but that's what I heard. Argh, minor side note before I get on to more important things like my night out sans children and husband (what was that? Hell just hosted the first ice skating competition?). Can I just say once and for all how much I hate the work at home/stay at home mommy wars. Not that any of that is going down here or on Babycenter or anywhere else but damn, it isn't even like it is a choice to work or not work most of the time. I certainly don't have a choice. I mean sure, I could stay at home and then I would have plenty of time for my kids in the 1997 Nissan down by the river. We could live off of Spam and powdered milk. I could even make our clothes and diapers out of what is left of the Nissan's upholstery. To heck with health insurance, right? Who needs it? I mean, really.

So anyway, I went out last night. Did I mention that I went out last night because I did. I went out last night. With adults. Not kids. Not even the husband who for better or worse, vowed to hang out with me for like the rest of his life or something. I ventured out further than my neighbor's house across the street. I got in my car and drove downtown where I proceeded to be out and consume alcohol and food.

I saw lots of people out. Some of whom had children in tow. Really cute kids who danced to the music, bounced around, looked ultra-adorabe and even reminded me a tad of my kids. And by reminded me of my kids I mean that they reminded me why I was so happy that I was out without kids! So happy that I could stand in one place and not chase a toddler all over creation while my beer got warm. So happy that the only reason to whip out my boob was NOT to nurse a child but to either:

a. fulfill a dare

or

b. attract the opposite sex (or perhaps even the same sex... dude, I was out without kids. Anything goes!)

What was even more cool about the night is that I was invited out by coworkers. I don't talk about work on this blog because I love work and there is nothing more to say. I'm very blessed that since I don't get to be home with the kids where I would love to be, I get to go to a job that I truly, truly enjoy. I am the only one of "me" at my job. I am a department of one. I mingle with all disciplines and I have plenty of work friends from all disciplines. That said, since I'm not really a part of any one department, I often get left out. I'm the girl who knows everyone but doesn't know anyone very well. I have kind of, sort of been invited to things with coworkers before. Kind of like I would be standing there as they made plans so they would invite me but since I either needed to go home and gestate or breastfeed a child, I never really pressed the issue (i.e. get the details as to the when, where, and whats) and nothing ever came out of it.

This time was different. Earlier in the week I said something about how I desperately needed a night out and they said ok, let's go out. Cell phone numbers where exchanged, plans were made, and I ran it past the husband twice. The first time (Tuesday) I asked if he would care if I went out Wednesday night with some coworkers and he said "no". That was it. No "what are your plans", no "who are you going with", no "what time will you be home". Nothing. Just a "no, I don't care".

On Wednesday I thought I would trick him into caring and before I went out I asked if he really didn't care that I was going out with two guys from work. (This is the sneaky part... I was really going out with women but I wanted to see if I get a reaction... a pang of jealousy... something... dude used to sweat it when my sweet ass went out and now all I get is a no, I don't care). He looked up and said, "I know you're not going out with guys and no, I don't care. I trust you".

Officially a mom moment- the husband no longer finds me attractive and/or doesn't think my 30 year old mother of two ass can pick up guys.

Hmph.

So yesterday I raced home from work, fed the kids dinner, nursed Grace twice, played outside with the kids for an hour, bathed the kids, put them to bed, and then I was out the door, cruising towards downtown with the windows rolled down, the Grateful Dead blaring from my 1997 Nissan's busted out speakers, and feeling the most like me that I have felt in a long, long time. No toddler kicking the back of my seat and demanding "pink hee dee" (pink c.d.- The Little People c.d. side note: damn the Little People for ever making a c.d. and damn whoever introduced that cd to my kid). No goldfish being chewed up and spit back out and then thrown at me from the backseat. No running off the side of the road while I tried to fecth a dropped sippy cup from the floor of the backseat. Just cruising.

I met up with the girls and we had a fabulous three hours out. We drank a few beers at a street festival, had a fabulous dinner, and chit chatted about anything and everything. It was wonderful. I didn't feel the least bit guilty and if anything, it refreshed my spirit and made me a better- albeit slightly hungover- mom today.

Something inside of me has changed recently. I mentioned I was craving change (see the blog template as evidence for the need for change) and I'm craving it in many aspects. I can't quite put my finger on it but I'm feeling like doing something for me for a change. Not at the expense of time with my family but just dropping the baggage from all the guilt trips I put myself on and realizing that I can still be Amanda and be officially a mom. They are one of the same but different. Somehow I forgot that. Last night helped me remember.