Day 12: What Not To ExpectPhotobucket - Video and Image Hosting

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Putting that Backfield in Motion since 2003

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Hardest to learn was the least complicated

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. I have been hesitant to write this post because I don't want it to appear as though I'm dwelling in the past (I'm not) or that I have regrets (I don't) but I can't help but reflect upon people and events that have long since passed but continue to resonate with me today. It is sort of like the Beatles' song 'In My Life"; cheesy reference- yes- but in all honesty, when has being cheesy ever stopped me and, the ex-husband aside, I truly do hold a lot of affection for the "people and the things that went before". It still doesn't change the fact, "I love the husband more".

This past month-

I have run across not one but two former flames on myspace (former- 8th grade boyfriend/prom date, latter- summer fling Cedar Point style)

My 365 days photo of the day highlights the first big purchase (aka my talisman) I made after my divorce.

To boot, this very month marks the anniversary of the start of my first real relationship (read: the one that deflowered me) circa 1991.

No, I'm not that sentimental that I celebrate the anniversary of the deflowering with a red letter day on the calendar; I'm just all Rain-Man like and remember dates like most people remember to breathe. It is a blessing and a curse. Sure it is fun to know exactly what I was wearing on April 7, 1987, but at the same time, the human brain can only possibly have "x" amount of storage space and I don't want the old noggin to go all kapoot when I finally get to the good stuff- like when the kids go away to college.

Of course then there are the nuisances that come along with being Rain Man like my old friends back home who like to use me as their own personal memory bank. I can’t tell you how many times my phone has rang with the person on the other end wanting me to tell them the name of the guy in that band who was in tenth grade ILT (his name is Steve) or the name of that other guy who was in a band who she dated (his name was Scott).

Anyhoo, I have been listening to "Least Complicated" (cheesy song reference number two for those of you keeping track at home) on George and every time I hear it, I am all "FO' REAL!" I have got to give the Indigo Girls mad props because, my friend, those are not just clever lyrics (how much do you wanna bet I’m the first person to ever give the Indigo girls mad anything- never mind mad props?). Isn't it so true that some of the hardest things to learn are really the least complicated? For me it holds true in just about everything from school to parenting and especially relationships.

Some of the hardest things for me to learn relationship-wise is something that, in retrospect, really is the least complicated:

If you don’t love someone… if you’re miserable… if you’re thinking of cheating only weeks before you’re to be married… then no amount of anything is going to make it all better and make there be love where there is none. No number of new jobs or salary increases can make there be love. New houses or new cars do not a loving relationship make. Jewelry or vacations or clothes or anything can NOT create love. Time WILL NOT create love if there is none to begin with. It is either there or it isn’t.

And if it isn’t, it is probably a good idea to NOT get married.

I’m just saying.

Also, if he only talks to you after the sun has gone down or at a bar after ingesting a six pack then he probably isn’t into you. If the only time he calls is at three am to tell you his parents are out of town (key word: parents) and that he wants you to come over because he “misses you”, chances are its only one specific part of your body that he is missing but the rest of you has to come along to get her there. If you have never spent time together sober, you are not in a relationship. If one of his friends asks if you are his girlfriend and he says “no”, he is not being funny and he is certainly not being coy (hell, he isn’t smart enough to be coy), you are not his girlfriend.

Letting you “break” while playing pool is not courting. Buying you a shot is not romance. If he tells you “this doesn’t mean anything”, it does NOT mean that he is deep and introverted and too scared to tell you how he really feels because, hello, it’s three am and you both have just split a 12 pack and you’re getting it on in the front seat of your car so it HAS to mean something. He really means “this doesn’t mean anything”. If he only e-mails you to tell you he needs to cut back on drugs then he has a friggin’ drug problem. He’s not dark or mysterious or brewing over how much he misses and therefore forced to turn to something- anything- to cope with the pain.

Why is it for so many years drunken and juvenile came across to me as deep and cool?

Something else that was hard for me to understand was jealousy. For the longest time I thought jealous and overprotective meant he must love me bunches and bunches. If I so much as smiled at a guy from my anatomy class and then he yelled at me for two hours? I may spend the next 24 hours crying but hey, at least I have a guy who really, really loves me and is afraid that because I’m so beautiful and desirable that I might leave him for someone else.

Yeah right.

If he is jealous and overprotective and flies off into a rage because he thinks a friendly smile equals “dude, I want to bang that guy’ then chances are he is banging someone else- someone else with whom the banging probably started with a friendly smile. His insecurities stem from the knowledge of what he is doing. He is covering his ass twofold: by making sure you’re too scared to even look at another guy and creating a cover up because how could he ever cheat on you when he is so in love with you that he loses his freakin’ mind if you so much as mention another guy’s name.

Oh, and always- ALWAYS- let the guy call first.


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Anonymous Ally said...

I had a guy like that in my life. Thank the heavens I only lived with him and didn't marry him. As it was, it took two years for me to reclaim my sense of self after HE broke up with ME.

11:33 AM  
Anonymous Amy said...

Oh my god - I totally have that same weird memory thing. My friends rely on me to remember their youth, too. Very strange.

Also, so glad you got yourself out of that horrible relationship and into one where the guy actually adores you and has aided in producing some great offspring!

12:57 PM  
Blogger Amanda. said...

Only those were three different guys (the one I didn't love, the one who loved drugs, and the jealous one)!

1:25 PM  
Blogger venessa said...

I can totally relate. I am so glad I met my husband when i did, because I had a real tendency to make myself a doormat for complete assholes.

2:12 PM  
Anonymous Sunny said...

"Why is it for so many years drunken and juvenile came across to me as deep and cool?"
Great freaking question! Your story brings back memories and makes me so thankful to have my husband today!

3:44 PM  
Anonymous amelia7 said...

Oh, honey. Some day I'll write more about my predilection for artsy, tortured, trust-fund Swedes. Talk about using bad judgement in lurve!

7:33 AM  
Anonymous karrie said...

Uh, that was me. SOme kind of weird Blogger-WP sign-in. lol

7:34 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

Did you take a chapter or 5 from my marriage? Because seriously, yes yes yes to all of the above. Yuck. Thank God I "saw the light". And you as well.

11:04 AM  
Blogger Aaryn said...

We've all been there. Very relatable post. And as for the Indigo Girls? MMMMMAAAAADDDDD props. Mad. Mad. Mad. There's nothing like turning them up real loud like and singing along to "Galileo" or "Virginia Wolf" or "Love Will Come To You" or "Closer To Fine". My GOD "Closer To Fine"...


3:40 PM  
Blogger Amanda. said...

LOL, Aaryn (love the spelling of your name, BTW)! you are the second person to ever give the IGs mad props :)

We have got to pass these lessons on to our children... let's hope they listen!

8:47 PM  

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