PSA

Ok, so this is non-boob related (and dude, can I tell you that about 30 people have been brought ot my blog today from googling the word "boobs"!!! Who googles the word "boobs"???? Honestly!) but I feel it is my civic duty to the residents of the state of South Carolina and any other state with crappy driver's license regulations to post this Public Service Announcement.

I took last Wednesday off to attend Gavin's last speech and physical therpay session. Did I mnetion it was his last session? Because it was. It was his last session. My boy was discharged because my boy is age appropriate. Booyah. Anyhoo, about 30 minutes into the session I begin to go through my wallet to look for Ben and Jerry's gift certificates because we were going to take the boy out for ice cream to celebrate and we're poor so it needs to be FREE ice crea. My driver's license fell out of my wallet and I picked it up and gave it a little look-see because come on, how often do we look at our own driver's license and let's face it, I ain't getting any younger and I'm driving much better so it isn't very often people actually ask to see my driver's license.

So there is my driver's license with what I believe to be the BEST DRIVER'S LICENSE PICTURE EVAH (in case I haven't mentioned it, I lurve my driver's license picture) and plenty of other information about little old me. In SC the person's birthdate is in bright red large print (ayi yi yi, I'm almost 31) and in even brighter red and larger print is the date in which the license expires. THE BEST DRIVER'S LICENSE PICTURE EVAH was taken when I was about 9 months pregnant with Gavin (about 3 years ago). I don't know how it happened because I was one pissed off and sweaty butterball during my late summer pregnancy with the boy but it did and for that, I am proud. I remember coming home after having the picture taken and throwing the license at the husband and telling him to check himself because I am hot, angry, sweaty butterball of a woman and he better respect that.

So after taking a brief moment to mourn the loss of my 30th year and reflect on how the hell can I be almost 31 when I still act like a 15 year old and still look so fine even when angry, swollen, and butterball-esque; my eyes wandered to the even larger and redder print: September 1, 2004.

September 1, 2004.

Blink.

Blink. Blink.

Let's see. Today is July 26th 2006. 2006 minus 2004 equals two.... 9 minus 7 equals two months... two months minues 24 months equals 22 months....

So, the old driver's license has been expired for 22 months. 22 months. I called Lloyd over to read the large, bright red print and after about 5 minutes of him working out what appeared to be calculus, he confirmed that yes indeed, my driver's license has been expired for 22 months. My last license was only good for a little over a year. A year. What the crap is up with that?

No biggie. We'll have our "end of speech and physical therpay celebration" and then when the kiddos nap, I'll run out to the DMV (aka hell on earth... aka where the stupid people spend their Wednesday July 26th 2006's), pay a fine, and get a new and better license with an even awesomer picture of little old me and all will be right in the world.

Ummm, that's not quite how it works. Yes, you have to pay a fine but you also have to take your written and driving exam AGAIN and no, they don't send out notifications as to when your driver's license is going to expire because you're supposed to actually read the LARGE, RED print on your driver's license. And who is going to change the 60 diapers in one week while I'm off reading my driver's license????? Exactly.

I haven't taken a driver's test since October 4, 1991- two days after I turned 16. I don't know how I passed my test the first time but the ultra-short mini skirt I was wearing that barely covered my 16 year old pins and the fat, sweaty police officer who tried to rub up against me rather than jot down on his notepad that not only did I NOT know what high-beams were, I couldn't parallel park if my life depended on it must have had something to with it. I can't be sure. I'm just saying. But the fact that about 30 minutes after receiving my license I proceeded to pick up about 30 of my closest friends and run over a turtle and hit a pedestrian probably supports my theory that I only got a license in the first place because the cop who tested me the first time was a perv.

I was sweating bullets. So there I am in a room with 5 other people- who are all half my age- taking the written (now computerized) driving exam. I finished first. Kiss it young people. I may die way before you but I can finish a test a hell of a lot faster.

29/30. I passed.

On to the driving test. Really, it's all a blur from here. This time it was a female instead of fat, sweaty perv and she was pretty annoyed that because I'm anal retentive and I'm keeping the Goose's carseat rear-facing FOREVER; there is only enough room for an oompa loompa to ride shotgun. Any taller and you're licking your knees for the entire ride. Trust me, I know. I licked my knees- well licked my knees and performed nursing yoga in the backseat- for over 40 hours during our drive to and from Texas last fall.

When I was 16 the driving test was on a closed course but now I was on the open road. I tried to remember how I'm supposed to drive (stop at a stopsign) instead of how I have actually driven for the past 14 years (pause at stopsign and then make sound effects a la Nascar while pulling out in front of traffic and flipping off the other drivers who honk because don't they know they should yield to the princess).

I ended up passing- which is only further evidence for how screwed up our department of motor vehicles is- and my driver's license picture? Not so hot. I'm all sweaty and greasy and because I'm wearing my trademark giant, dangling earrings and there is a shadow, I look like I'm sporting a mullet. The license is good for ten years. Perhaps mullets will come back in vogue sometime over the next decade.

Oh well. The husband never respected "that" in the first place and no one has looked at my license for the past 22 months so it's not like it matters.

Go look at your driver's license. You can thank me later.