Drama for this mama

There is this person- we'll call him Bert- who totally lost his shit on me. Totally. I'm not so perturbed that he lost his shit on me than I am at the intense and emtional level in which he lost his shit on me.

I've been with my husband for years. We are soooooo past the dramatic stage in our relationship. There were days in the beginning of our relationship we we both could have been up for the Oscar in the Best Dramatic Performance in a Relationsip but now? Now we couldn't even stay up late enough to watch the Oscars even if we tried and you know what? I like it this way. I love the fact that those dramatic first days and months are behind us. I like the fact that while I still love him with all of my being, we're just not that Beverly Hills 90210.

The sun no longer rises and sets on whether or not he calls me or on whether he looks at me a certain way. We can fart and burp in front of each other and argue over who clogged the toilet and whose responsibility it is to unclog said toilet. There was a time when he reached out and touched my arm in a bar on Bourbon Street and I got chills and then we raced back to our hotel room to get our freak on. Now he reaches out to run the vacuum cleaner and I get chills and then he races upstairs to bathe the kids while allowing me to finish watching The Daily Show.

The romance is far from gone in our relationship but comfort is at its maxiumum while drama is at its minimum and I. Have. Never. Been. Happier.

Me no likey drama.

So back to Bert. A couple of weeks ago Bert confessed to me that he thought another fellow- who we shall hence forth call MC- had a crush on me. MC and I have been friends for about 5 years. He is married and I am married and we talk about spouses, kids, football and all that crap. Cool guy to talk with and nothing more and nothing less. I totally laughed me butt off over the idea of MC having a crush on me so later that day while MC and I were walking together, I did what any other mature adult would do when faced with the knowledge that someone thinks another someone has a crash on me and proceeded to do a little dance while singing "you know you liiiiiiike meeeeeeeeeee! Beeeeerrrrtttt thiiiiiiinks yoooooooooouuuuu liiiiiiiike meeeeeeeeeeee!!! Yooooooouuuuu can't haaaaaaaave meeeeeeeee".

We both had a good chuckle over someone thinking we had something going on so we came up with a plan. A very mature plan. MC decided he would come up to a place that I am in the afternoon- totally out of his way- so that Bert could see him walking me out and we would be all "giggle, giggle, snort, snort... byyyyyyeeeeeeee, Beeeerrrrtttt!!"

The plan went off without a hitch and we had a good laugh and that was it. Or so we thought.

The very next week Bert was a total ass. He woldn't talk to me and when he did it was very curt and I just figured something was going on at home or he was stressed out by something and aside from asking him what was wrong a couple of times, I didn't put much thought into it.

Until today.

Today Bert came up to me and was very, very angry. He accused me of being a "skank" and getting it on with MC like "a dog in heat". He said he knew I had gone somewhere twice in the past week (hello, I was going to have my cervix scraped and burned off... not something I advertise) and figured I was off humping MC somewhere. I sort of kind of tuned him out after that because drama aun't my thang and it was oh so ridiculous that honestly, I couldn't waste a brain cell on even processing the complete and total bullshit that being thrown my way. After he was done with his rant, I warned him that he better start wearing a cup because I was going to kick him in the nuts the next time I saw him and I stormed off.

I came back 45 minutes later and Bert asked to speak to me. He said he was sorry and that "jealousy" had gotten the best of him. As it turns out, Bert likes me. In Bert's words, he "likes me too much". MC walking me out was too much for him to handle and he got jealous and when he gets jealous, he gets angry. That's why he was a dickwad to me for a whole week and went off on me and called me a "skank". He was sullen and teary-eyed and I just wanted the the eff out of there.

I had no idea. I had no idea that Bert was crazy infactuated with me. I can totally see a little school boy crush here and there but for somewhere to go all Ike Turner on me.... it's mind-boggling.

I'm totally fuh-reaked for two reasons:

The main reason is the extend of Bert's emotions. The week's worth of anger, the hurful words, the need for a solemn apology.... It's all very intense. Dude went from "YOU EES A SKANK" to a tearful apology with his voice all crack-a-lackin' while declaring "I like you too much" in under 45 minutes. It absolutely makes me crazy that someone who isn't the husband circa 2002 could be that emotional over me. I don't like it. Not one bit. Overt displays of emotion outside of weddings, funerals, and the birth of a child make me fairly nervous as is so this registers as a 50 on my scale of 1-10 of things that make me severely uncomfortable enough to put my bury my head in the sand and never come out.

The second reason is that someone actually thought I was cheating on my husband... on my kids. I mean, who the hell do you think I am if you think not only MC and I were humping but to also think that you might have a chance!?! Sure, I'm outgoing and a probably a little flirty but that's just my personality. I make it abundantly clear to everyone that I am a married mom and I bring the husband and the kiddos around A LOT. Bert and I have known each other for over 5 years. He has seen me through two marriages, one divorce, the birth of two children and countless other milestones and has always been somewhat of a father figure to me (insert West Virginia joke here). I thought we had a good, friendly relationship and now I feel as thought it has all been a lie.

So it is true. Women and men can't be friends. Do you think they can?